uttley (uttley) wrote,

Positive Symptoms of Scizophrenia and Blogoholism

I have to remind myself that it's just another way of having thoughts.

Even though it seems like a quiet voice coming from a near distance, I know it's just me.

Too bad I don't like me very much.

"What you don't get is: nobody cares!"

I'm on a bit of a med holiday right now, so the positive symptoms are more pronounced.

Nice misnomer that - positve symptoms my ass.

Yeah, I had a good insurance plan through my state, but I dropped off it.

Keeping up with all the deadlines for submitting proof of income and getting physicals and tests done and such was just too much for me.

So now I have no insurance, and the generic Abilify costs like three hundred dollars per refill. No way.

I went about a week without, then thankfully found some old samples I'd been given at some point, so I had a half-dose daily last week.

Now I'm out again though. No more samples stashed. And the voices are getting noticably stronger. Meaner. You you you. You don't get it. You're worthless and weak. Nobody's idea of a good time.

Tomorrow I've got to get down to the clinic and apply for what's called 'patient assistance'...

I'll prove I'm poor as dirt and big pharm will cut me a break.

I work graveyards and sleep days, so even on a good day it's a real challenge to pull myself together and get down to the clinic.

Got to got to got to go though. Nothing to it but to do it. Much longer without the antipsychotic, it'll get real hard to hold the jobby job.

I remember when I first started working again after my year-long break with reality; it was fantastically difficult to keep my cool and function as a motel clerk while still beset by constant voices and spiralling in and out of deep depression. I pulled it off, though. It wasn't until I had been back working for a few months that I finally decided I needed professional help and braved intake at the clinic.

Shrinks are great. Gotta love 'em. Therapists, on the other hand, are a pain in my ass.

So anyway, here I am giving LiveJournal a go at long last. I've known about it forever, and it's surprising I've never made the leap, considering I'm a blog-making-junkie from way back. I had a whole mess of Geocities pages way back in the day. Heh. Maybe you've never even heard of Geocities. I mainly posted random results of my lifelong research on the jester/trickster/fool figure in world lit. Fascinating figure, the fool.

When I wrote my first book The Boon about four years back, I got back into derping around with web pages, starting with Tripod. And I've been going at it off and on since.

Right now, I have... let's see... three or four blogger blogs, two wordpress sites, a weebly and a wix, tumblr... twitter of course... on facebook, I have umpteen pages, including a fairly successful page where authors promote their books, and a new page to facilitate the ongoing auditions for narrators to turn my books into audiobooks... then there's wattpad and allpoetry... what else? Accounts on sites like medium, flipboard, and triberr, where I mine for decent content... all the email addresses, so very many of those... It does occur to me that this bizarro-huge webpresence seems somewhat, how shall I put this, mental?

But hey, click click click, right? Never a dull moment. Always something to do. If you're bored sometime, just start clicking some of my links. It's all interwoven. And it just don't stop. I'm genuinely surprised that no one has called me out yet on how overweening it all is, my ludicrous webpresence. But bloggers are kind.

A lot of the people with whom I interact online are authors and poets. Then there are what I call The Moms.  Quite a few baby boomers, too, among my online acquaintances. They're good fun. I'm always kind of proud for them, because my own grandmotherly mother would not touch facebook with a ten-foot pole, let alone attempt blogging.

Well, it's three of the clock antemeridian, which means I have about an hour and a half left to kill before I have to swing into action here at work. That's about how long it should take for me to read and comment on all the blog posts I want to get to this shift.

So I'll take my leave. Let me thank you for visiting me here and reading. It'd be great if you'd make your mark in the comments section so that I might reciprocate.

Keep it like you like it kept,

P.S. all images clickable
Tags: art, blogging, blogs, books, creative writing, literature, livejournal, mental health, mental illness, poetry, schizophrenia, welcome
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